|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| oh how history repeats itself 
hehe
looking over the least entry, I'm pretty much the same--but maybe a little better. I have been letting my school work go again--I have a paper to write about a culture and a crisis, a project to do about changing a behavior, a crisis box to make, and a research project to do about the controversies of sex education. so I have a lot set for me---as always. Also, I have the added pressure of figuring out where I'm going to go after Community College and where I'm going to intern as well. uuuhhhhh....
My mind is always racing, and I'm not always sure how to calm it down. whenever i am thinking, it always takes me back to the things I should be doing, could be doing, why aren't I doing those things right now? Why haven't I done them before? and so on... I just don't know how to stop. ( I think I do but I lost it somewhere in all that clutter of mine).
I feel like I'm a disappointment to my parents. Because I'm not going to be some right money making high job priority wo-man. I'm not into money. I'm into making myself happy, and not just that--I make myself happy by making others feel/be happy--passing the love around. I'm not looking for money, although it does pay the bills and buy you things--I'm just not into it. Too many things go wrong with money, and once you have it, you can never have enough. There's always that want for MORE. greed.
I'm studying to be a human service worker, specifically a substance abuse counselor, and I really hope that I can find it within myself to really help myself so I can help all of these other people that deserve some help. I'm in it to win it, it putting myself out of work is the prize. Seriously. if I could make it a goal in my life to help others (along with the some many other dedicated individuals doing similar things) until people wouldn't need my help anymore, I would say that we have done our job. I mean, I know that there is always going to be help needed/wanted--but I want it to be a help that is swift and sudden, not needed for a very long time--a help that any person on this planet would be able to provide---not just us (other human service workers; every branch).
I don't know...
I'm kind of looking forward to art---how am I ever going to make the money though? to make myself a house? have a yard? live somewhere away from civilization, yet close enough to if I needed something, it'd be not too far from my back yard. a closeness, and yet a personal space.
I'm interested in medicine--holistic medicine, and all natural stuff--I think that people today don't take the time to even study that stuff and see if it works--it has a better effect on your body, less harmful, if mixed with the right substances and all.
I wonder what it would be like to do art therapy. I don't really know much about that stuff--but I'm interested in learning about it. I really miss taking art classes. Really.
I guess (as they say) with patience and perseverance anyone can accomplish anything! You just have to put your mind to it! In my mind I think I know it to be true, but at the same time I am feeling that without a support system its hard to do what you want to do. At least that's how it feels like for me. I'm too worried about what other people think of me when it comes to that stuff---school and work. I'm too shy and not-self-gratifying to let myself want what I really want. I don' t let myself have it. I'm not sure why.... 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
| | |
| since the last time we talked, I haven't been taking care of myself.
I have for a long time, but lately, it all went down...differently.
as relationships go, I have to be working on the one that is closes to myself; me. I never looked at it that way until I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting today (just before starting class). I had the whole semester to go see three mutual aid meetings but of course I waited till the last minute to do that, and now my assignment will be late. GO FIGURE.
On top of that, I have a paper to write about a culture, a paper to write about a mental disease, an assessment I need to write, a paper to write about my mutual aid meetings, and on top of all that chapters I need to catch up on from my internet class along with two observations I need to do. What else is there?
Mentally I haven't been in check. I've just been letting my classes and work, friends, family, do my work for me when it comes to that department--I just haven't been keeping in check with myself. :^(
man....taking a mental break and thinking about all this is overwhelming. my head almost hurts just thinking about it. Its funny how in the midst of things, I'm helping someone else try to figure out their life and planning, when I'm letting go of my own. I need to work on myself more, if I'm going to be of any use(more help) to anyone. I need to work with me. indefinitely.
I'm jumping all over the place, in a way I think this is how my mind is coping/re-abilitating itself, by thinking about everything all at once or not at all, especially sequence. hmm....it makes me think about weather I had my mind at that point ...I'm sure I had. This definately is a place for me to just talk to myself, because if it were anybody else reading this they would just give up by the first paragraph, let alone a sentence 
soooo,,,,here are some news since the last time we talked!
I got my wisdom teeth removed .... all four of them at once ( awaiting for a gasp 8^D..... annd not a big deal, right?) Right.... but I did start going into shock from nitrous gas, they gave me too much of it and I only laughed for about 2 seconds upon administration, and since then have no good memories or desire to want to be on nitrous ever again---unless a medical emergency causes me to . I felt my whole body shaking, like it was a jet plane going off, and when they gave me the last shot (into that weird tooth that I had) i felt everything and started to cry, and thats when ladies and gentelmen I started going into shock. My body started turning into concrete, it felt heavy and immobilized, but for some reason I couldn't stop convulsing from when my tears/crying---so they turned the nitrous down, and immideately I felt myself getting soft, thinner, calmer and better. phew....
It was kind of cool getting to hear/feel my teeth crack and having a slight sensation of pulling them out, but for the most part I felt nothing (no pain)....well until the nitrous and desencitizing medication started to wear off---thats when I started to feel something. But taking Darvocet took care of most of that, and using an ice pack helped too---but it did not save me from swelling up (on one side, so you bet I looked pretty funny) only because I didn't get to put the ice on my face in time. But oh well, thats over and done with--onto the next novelty in my life!
Cortizone shot---->  <-----
About three months ago I had a freak, not really major accident with my lawnmower....and I think from when that happened my knees started to go 'bad' so to say. So for a course of two months I seeked physical therapy and it helped a little untill m y doctor told me to stop comeing, and see how I feel then. Well let me tell you, what little help the physical therapy provided definately NOt going didn't help AT ALL. Stupid man  so I ended up getting an MRI or my 'worse' knee and finding out that I have degenerative cartilage (too soft on the bottom, too tough on the top) and that day he gave me a cortizone shot. BTW this was on Halloween of all days, a day in which celebration and partygiving would have been phenomenal but I didn't get to do that  unfortunately
I did get to spend the day with my boyfriend, however  which made up for come of the pain I was going to be feeling later that night :^/ ..... The novicane helped ease the pain till about 9 o'clock that night, right before we were getting ready to leave for a party in Chicago, but I ended up not going since I couldn't walk. It really, really, really.....really sucked. oh well, better luck next time.
Halloween is my favorite holiday of all days in the year, and I really hope that everytime it comes around something good will happen, but I guess that's not what you get all the time and its o.k. we need things to change sometimes. even if its for the worst.
what else can I say that hasn't already been said?
did I mention that talking to myself on here made me feel somewhat better? Yeah? well allright
Definately mentally checking in with myself from time to time is somewhat, if not, a very good thing to be doing. It helps me clear my mind---instead of careying the weight of my thoughs everywhere with me, it helps to alieviate some of that thought-cluster-fuck. Mmmm much better  yay
I just want to be my old/new/better self again!!! and I'm hopeing that I can do that with sometime and meditation to myself!
here goes to day dreaming--andmaybe making changes for the better for myself.
keep that in mind, is all i'm going to say.
oh---and I'm itchy as fuck!!!! STRETCH MARKS!!! YAAY! 
Love  ,
palla
| | |
| Currently listening to : Mogway- Cody
Current mood: thought
Lately I've been thinking, about how I never do the things I used to, anymore. Drawing, Sewing, Painting, making things, writing them down. weir stuff like collecting parts of news papers like words I like, pictures that stand out to me, putting them on my wall, making notes about things, collections, and drawing side projects. Where did all that go?
Listening to music was one thing I admired most, in alone time, or with somebody else, and doing nothing but just listening. I miss those days.
2008
(so far.)
It hasn't been a good year.
Two weeks into the new year I got notified that my license is going to be suspended, over the mistake that the department made and not me. Paying in full for my ticket and drives ed class was done twice, and twice they had failed to send me any information regarding when I would be taking the course. Now my license is suspended as of Monday; spectacular.
85 dollars were payed to set up a court date and only the judge can decide whether or not I will get my driving privileges back. If i fail to do so, I'm going to have to drop out of school, and quit my job. Being a deliver driver without a drivers license is kind of hard to pull off. and, I don't have anybody to drive/pick me up from school. In other words, I'm fucked.
Then theres the legal issues---for all the accidents I've had, its been almost four years, and four attorneys later, and still noting has been solved. the case goes on..
I want to say that life will get better, but it just keeps going wrong for right now.
Anthony's dad is in the hospital; something about his heart, and enlarged liver, blocked arteries, stages of emphazima?, and swelling of the legs. it's bad, but it's not for sure.
Phil's moms' been diagnosed with cancer, in the lungs and her neck. They don't know how long shes had it for, or how bad it will get.
And back to bodily swelling, according to Jimbo I must have had a nerve pulled, since last night after bending over to get my shoes, the pain that escalated as I came back up brought me to the ground and I couldn't walk for the day. No outstretching of the arm, or twisting, laying on my side, nada. Immovable on the right side for the most pat of the day. But a few drops of ibuprofen and ICYHOT made it better, for now at least.
Other updates---
I'm finally getting a crown.
Not for my head, for my teeth you dummy. ;^)
Right now I have a fake tooth to replace the large gap between my teeth for now, its acrylic and grainy as hell. To describe the feeling better, it's like having a large food object lodged firmly and immovably in your teeth.
The Self:
I'm becoming a bitter person.
Before I used to think about what it would have been like to be the quiet, skinny, semi-attractive pretty girl, that sits in the corner all day thinking about friends and all other people around her. Now that is me.
No friends, or only mere images of what used to be them, and it's not that we don't matter..things have just grow apart and far away from eachother. I'm not doing any better at keeping my friends, anyway. i miss them terribly.
It just makes me sad. I'm the only one in my family, when selfishlythinkingaboutit, that tends to sit around, doing nothing. completing house chores just to keep around, to make space, to feel nothing and something at the same time, to fill a void that's been missing for a very long time. But then it makes me think about m Grandpa, and my Grandma, living alone but together. And Patrycja, going to school and to work, and comming home and being terriblyhappy when Jerret is around. Both of them are so happy. together. and mom and dad. Although they have their feuds and stuff, they are happy and relieved to be there when the day is over, all the stress is gone, and just lay together in bed all night, beside each other, all for one.
I think, that spending so much time with myself, and reflecting, when I can, just makes me more depressed as a person, when I'm trying to make other and myself happy. I feel like I know, but sometimes I don't know who I am. I'm somewhere else.
I'm worried about school, and where I'm going to end up in life. I just want to badly to find what is going to make me happy for the rest of my life, whether it be a bum, whether it be the distant shores of some land somewhere, sewing on the backyard when the warm wind grazes my face, with that other someone that makes me happy , my other whole, my other half. I just want to make him happy. <3
And as much as I'd like to be a kid, I can't.
I would love to enjoy the things I used to, I'm just not able to. not now.
I've got too much shit on my plate, that isn't going anywhere.
Thinking about Bob, and his Rested in Peace friend, Amanda, after reading one of her poems I felt, I too need someone, someone who shares my thoughts, who wants to be there when I'm sad, who wants to share my life and theirs together, to grow, to discuss, to play, to love, to hold, be merry with, bare children, go on spontaneous escapades, driven through the wilderness, through life, and to life, to death. For our beliefs, our wonders, our thoughts,....
and the list goes on.
I'm tired of living in this mundane, self made preservation. I'm tired of being someone, I'm not used to; I'm not.
but isn't everyone in this world, feeling for the same kind of fault. in freedom.
(blah blah blah.)
I'm jsut, I'm just...feeling. but I don't know what I'm feeling.
 | | |
| 10.16.07 about 8:09:03 pm (cpt)
(while watching "I think I Love My Wife" & doing sociology ch8. HW)
I don't know. I guess I feel kinda...lost - angry like i'm in a war with myself. While I'm fighting others. I guess my major anger is towards Love. towards myself. towards the fact that I haven't made art in a vary long time. That i haven't made music - learned guitar. That Im too tired up in myself - trying to make things work, and feeling like it's going no where. back to Love. I don't think it's that I'm mad at Anthony. I am. but I think that Im more mad at myself, for not doing anything better. For not letting out,... my comments, thoughts, belief. Sharing my feelings for him - like I don't tell him enought. I think that I do. I do so much for him. I want to, I try to. I feel like I lost him somehow. Before we ever 'broke up' - before we ever stopped talking. this is now. I feel like I lost him now. Because of those things. I'm tired of being so sad. and I want so much to be happy. When I think about him, I see myself trying so hard to make this work. like he was before we ever started going out together.
I don't know if he's happy with me. He says that he is, and sometimes I feel it, but I don't know if he's happy with me. I don't know if he wants me. (I probably did/do it to myself) It feels like, sometimes, its just all about the physical atractivness, and what I do for him. I don't know if he really wants me, and it makes me sad. Because I really want, and inside myself need to be with him.
" I feel like it's my fault, like were not as close as we used to be..."
I like the end of that movie, sorry I can't write it all down. (psst..-->watch it! )
I know I should be doing all my homework - im just so lost inside my mind. About life - in general - I guess.
Thoughts like;
What is this world coming to?
- in terms of money (grabbing)
- in terms of economical conditions
- what is everyone doing to eachother?
we don't need big cash and fancy cars to enjoy life [whatever happened to the simple things, like going to a park, watching the rustling of the leaves, playing on the playground set, it's like people don't enjoy that anymore, and for what?]- people just make you think that way so they can rip you off, because somebody else did that to them, so they feel angry and like they lost their purpose in life. [like they can't make a contribution] a one band army. Like others aren't hearing their voices. [they aren't listening]
Where did the goodness in truth
all go.
Why can't we love one another.
Maybe it's just me.
----~~~
| | |
| how on the day that I just loose all hope,
my fortune cookie read;
(backside) "learn chinese! word: Hopeful"
(frontside) "Don't let things from the past hold you back."
/or something like that....(unfortunately I lost it :^/ )
but, isn't that weird.
(missing everybody.)
including myself..
| | |
|
